It’s so quiet…

“What if I’m at fault? What if this doesn’t work? Why am I the way I am? What’s wrong with me? What was that sound? Must be the neighbours. My elbow hurts. What am I doing? Oh yeah, adding categories to the updated website. Right, let’s go. Why can’t I add multiple categories from a spreadsheet upload? It’s a shortcoming of Squarespace here to not have it, or do they? I’ll Google it. Right, they do but it’s a shade convoluted. Right, where did I put that file? Ellie (the dog) moved. Is she okay? Is Emma alright? I think they are. Ah Ellie is asleep. She’s as cute! I love Emma. Oh I must help her with her tax return later. I have to do mine soon. Have I the form from last year...?

I can’t find that form but it’s on Revenue at least. Oh sure it’s all online. Oh my password didn’t work for Revenue. Stupid fucking autofill thing gets it wrong every time. I’ve told it which one to use. Maybe I should use 1Password again instead? How much is that these days? OH, I see. I don’t need to be spending money unnecessarily. I must check my bank balance. I hope the vetting comes through so I can start the new role soon. I need to know if I need to buy more clothes etc. My elbow hurts. I’m going to have some tea I think.”

This is a typical day in my brain prior to a recent life changing event. That event? Getting put on stimulant medication for my inattentive type ADHD. Guess what happened after I took it?

Within 30-45 minutes it became abundantly clear to me how quiet my mind was, how all I heard was the dog snoring behind me, the distant hum of traffic through the open window, the birds chirping on the trees outside. I turned to my laptop and looked at my to-do list, picked a task, and started it before completing it shortly thereafter. Then what? Next task. Then a moment of calm before chatting with my wonderful partner Emma, telling her how quiet it is, saying it again for her to realise what I meant – it was quiet in my mind. I got a tad emotional and we had a long hug.

The life I have lived for 32+ years has been one where I have spent day after day after day putting out spot fires in my mind, always pinging from one thing to another, struggling to focus on a single task at a time and being unable to gather momentum on a lot of my goals. Constantly wound, nearly always in fight or flight over the smallest thing. It has been exhausting, and to say taking the stimulant meds was immediately and powerfully life changing for the better is a complete understatement. I’m grateful for this change, and excited for the journey ahead – one task & one step at a time. Presently, mindfully, and more calmly.

In a short space of time – post taking the meds – I refreshed this entire site, and added better organisation to the site itself. I’d love for you to check it out.

I’m grateful to the ADHD team at Kerry Mental Health services for their work and support. It’s making a huge difference to my life.

Have a good day.

– Jerry