Notes of life, notes of change.
A note for me, a note for you.
I have a lot of notebooks.
While tidying today I looked through 5 of them. These notebooks spanned a 6 year period but all had the same set-up; half-full, and contain the same things. Inside each you can find a collection of notes about my goals for business, fitness, life, alongside the occasional rambling journal entry about all the aforementioned + the wellbeing of my friends & family. Year on year I set the same goals out on page after page. Words and ideals, all in pursuit of those lingering ideals from the back of my mind. Today I wondered why they remained words on a page - why didn't I achieve many of these goals & why do I keep doling out the same things without doing anything about them?
One theory is apathy - I like the idea of many of these but the practicalities aren't something worthy of my effort. They are ideals. I note that points on a page are rarely worthy of their space & ink without the actions required running alongside them.
Another theory is the impact of Generalised Anxiety Disorder on my goals. The goals are true. After all, how would they keep coming up year after year if they weren't? I'd get bored of them or outgrow them? With anxiety there is an unseen challenge and that is different for everyone. Though I dislike the phrases, the idea of "capacity" or "bandwidth" hold space here. As the NHS puts it: "You may be unable to concentrate or make decisions".
For me, the likely explanation is a combination of both of the above -- there are things that I like the idea of but I never try them due to the anxiety I feel around them.
To move forward I need to focus on identifying what triggered my anxiety on a given day. To focus on the habits I have when I feel anxious, to challenge the anxious thoughts I hold, to make time to approach them, and get to work on the things that prompt those anxious feelings.
In his book "The War of Art" the author Steven Pressfield equates this to what he calls "Resistance". As Pressfield puts it:
“Resistance cannot be seen, touched, heard, or smelled. But it can be felt. We experience it as an energy field radiating a work-in-potential. It’s a repelling force. It’s negative. Its aim is to shove us away, distract us, prevent us from doing our work.”
Pressfield's book is a fascinating, oft-taxing, but engaging look at the things that we board up in front of ourselves to stall us on the path to the work & lives we are meant to do. It's a worthwhile read.
The last few weeks have been eye-opening for me & as I look forward I know I'll be navigating my days with a renewed sense of hope and motivation to build robust new coping mechanisms for the moments where anxiety weighs heavy on life. I'll be sharing more as I move forward with the supports I'm getting.
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional and these are thoughts & notes not intended as advice. There are brilliant supports available for free. Please reach out to these if you need help.
Jigsaw:
online chat: https://jigsaw.ie/talk-online/
Call: 1800 544729
Email them: help@jigsaw.ie
Crisis Supports:
Text 50808
Samaritans:
Call 116 123
Aware:
Call 1800 804 848
Pieta House:
Call 1800 247 247
