A New Perspective On 32 Years Of Living
How a recent diagnosis has caused me to reflect on life so far.
Two weeks ago I found out I have primarily inattentive type ADHD, a high IQ, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and misophonia. It was and continues to be a lot to process. I’ll share more on the latter in future posts, but today I want to focus on the ADHD diagnosis and the experience so far.
I was advised by the psychologist to expect to be invalidated when sharing the news of my ADHD diagnosis with others. I asked her why would this be? Why would others invalidate a medical condition? I have learned since that with some of those I have shared the news with think; "ah sure, we all have a little bit of that going on...", and if you do then while I'll happily meet you halfway to say the majority of people have an attribute or two that overlaps with diagnosed ADHD. The reality of living with it is different.
I have diagnosed inattentive type ADHD. This means I struggle greatly with motivation, starting menial tasks, retaining focus, and much more. If you want an overview the wonderful folks at ADDittude have a great guide here.
Getting diagnosed at 32 years old is a difficult but important milestone. I have long struggled with motivation and staying on focus on projects. The amount of ideas that never moved beyond being an idea, the number of projects that drifted to nothingness, the jobs I said I'd do, the orders, events and more that I have forgotten about, and working last minute on projects to the detriment of my mental and physical health... these are all manifestations of a lifelong undiagnosed ADHD. It’s not that I am lazy and want to leave things off, rather, my brain doesn’t want me to do it. When it does, I often ‘get lost’ in the work. I have experienced bouts of hyper focus on a given task where I forget to eat or recognise what's happening around me, or to be mindful of the needs of those around me. My father often says: “If you can get Jerry going, get out of his way and leave him at it. He’ll fly it. It’s getting him started is the problem”. The start is the hardest part and not for lack of care, effort, or desire. It’s hard to explain this and I guess in a way given how fresh my diagnosis is, I’m learning to reflect on life moments through a new lens. I have strong desires to do so much but I haven’t been able to move meaningfully forward on many of these.
Reflecting On The Diagnosis.
I felt a lot of things when I received the diagnosis. I was sad, mad, and relieved. Sad to think I didn't need to experience life the way I have over the last 32 years – the overthinking, the difficulty focusing, the many, many challenges that could have been handled a lot better had I known that chemically my brain is different. Mad, that it went 32 years undiscovered. Relieved, to finally know I have ADHD.
Over the last 2 weeks I've had to try ground myself in the present moment, drawing upon my experiences with anxiety and mindfulness meditation practice. I have ADHD and I know this for a fact now. I can begin to deal with it through the supports of the medical team, in time through medication, undertaking therapy, and further lifestyle changes.
As I navigate the journey ahead I'll begin to share more here. I am excited to have more calm in my mind to be able to return to focusing on my creative work, presently, and to finally chase goals with less struggles along the way. Right now I have to resolve other health matters after which I’ll be started on medication. I’ve been referred to the ADHD occupational therapist for more supports, but as with most things in public services, this’ll take a couple of months to come about. I’ll share more as I go, along with a host of other writings.
Follow The Journey
I’ll share some updates here but much of my future writing will take place on Substack. You can subscribe there via the link below.
